Far Away
by Alynn McBride
Summary: .hackROOTS, .hackGU: I’m here for a reason or at least I was. I… lost it. My purpose in being here. I lost it when I lost her.


Title: Far Away

Fandom: .hack/ROOTS

Rating: PG- Mild Language

Pairings: HaseoxShino

Notes: Songfic. Lyrics: "Far Away" Nickelback

-----

He stood on the bridge, in that spot he always stood in. He always came here when he needed to think. Now, he needed more than ever to do that.

In the real world, he stared at the screen, the controller sitting in motionless hands with no appearance of ever moving in the near future.

He wasn't exactly sure why he kept logging into this game. It only reminded him of…her… He lifted the controller above his head, ready to throw it on the ground and leave this game forever…but…

…no matter how hard he tried (or had in the past), he couldn't bring himself to do it. Something seemed to… interfere in his mind. He sighed, and his avatar in the game moved to lean backwards over the railing of the bridge and stare at the digital sky.

He knew other players were walking by him and staring, but he just couldn't bring himself to care. Maybe if _she_ were to walk by…

_...No. Don't torture yourself like this. She's not here anymore._

An image of her face appeared in front of his real eyes, and, try as he might to get rid of it, it resolutely resisted any efforts at banishment. Finally, he was forced to tear himself away from the electronic devices that seemed to do nothing but play cruel games on his mind, and he stood and threw himself on his bed.

Absently, he played with the sheets, staring off at nothing in particular.

It wasn't like there was anything interesting for him to stare at anyway.

_I could always log in again… at least there's something to look at there…_

_No. I won't do that to myself._

He rolled over, now facing the wall. He glared at the unoffending structure, almost daring it to do something interesting to keep him entertained.

Sighing, he gave up and sat back down in front of his computer, logging back into that game reluctantly, finding himself back on that damn bridge.

_This time, This place  
Misused, Mistakes  
Too long, Too late  
Who was I to make you wait?_

Why was he even here? What point was there?

There wasn't. That was the whole point. There was nothing in this world of pretend for him anymore. Everything had faded to the status of dreams. Everything but the memories of her. Those were almost tangible enough to be real; far from the hazy quality of memory or dream.

_I'm here for a reason- or at least I was. I… lost it. My purpose in being here. I lost it when I lost her._

He was really very good at ignoring people. He couldn't care less about the strange looks he was getting in the game- he would never see these people again anyway.

They weren't even real people anyway. Just electronic avatars of each player's self-absorbed view of their perfection.

_  
Just one chance  
Just one breath  
Just in case there's just one left  
'Cause you know,  
you know, you know…_

_I had my chance. I blew it. I don't get another one. One chance…_

He shifted the character on the screen so that he now had a view of the pixilated river underneath the programmed bridge. It was truly eerie how much like the real thing it was, too.

_Maybe that's why I keep coming back._

_Yeah. Right. I keep coming back because _she_ loved this game so much._

_All of the answers are in this game. I know it. I _have_ to find those answers, so I _can't _leave. Not yet._

_That's why I keep coming back._

_  
That I love you  
I have loved you all along  
And I miss you  
Been far away for far too long  
I keep dreaming_

_You'll be with me and you'll never go  
Stop breathing if  
I don't see you anymore_

Dreams… He dreamed often. Of her, of then. Of what had happened and what he could have done. He was haunted by the memories of that incident that replayed themselves over and over.

Even though he had convinced himself that it was "just a game" in every other aspect of this world, he couldn't rid himself of the images of his failure.

_Damn… sooner…_

His thoughts turned into disconnected sentences and vague, unrelated ideas as he tried not to think of her, of then.

He failed miserably in that, however. Thoughts of her floated to the surface of his mind continually, and he finally gave up.

_On my knees, I'll ask  
Last chance for one last dance  
'Cause with you, I'd withstand  
All of hell to hold your hand_

Suddenly, he wished that screaming wasn't as improper as it was. In either world. He wanted to run through the streets and the halls shouting his pain to the world in incoherency. He wanted everyone to know how much he was hurting.

He wanted them all to hurt as much as he was. He couldn't stand seeing all of those faces. Uncaring, ignorant people who didn't understand anything.

_It all should have stopped. Everything should have stopped when…_

_What would I give to have you back? What is there that I wouldn't give? How much are you worth to me? What price would I pay?_

_As if you could be bought… That thought just makes me sick._

_  
I'd give it all  
I'd give for us  
Give anything but I won't give up  
'Cause you know,  
you know, you know…  
_

_Sigh…_ He stared at the startlingly real water in the world of pretend.

_You knew- know. Did I? Do I? Have I learned anything? I behaved like I was so sure of myself, but was I really?_

_I don't think so. I think that I was playing my own game of pretend inside this one. I liked to feel like I knew what was going on._

_  
That I love you  
I have loved you all along  
And I miss you  
Been far away for far too long  
I keep dreaming_

_You'll be with me and you'll never go  
Stop breathing if  
I don't see you anymore  
_

_I get this sinking feeling that everything is over and despite all my efforts, I can't fix anything._

_Small, insignificant. Nothing I do can matter all that much, can it? I'm only one person in this sea of humanity and the acts of the whole tend to drown out the deeds of one._

Sad, but true. In all honesty, the times when the acts of one person were exemplified were few and far between when looking at the whole of humanity.

There were just too many people for anything that one of them does to make any difference. The world moved on with or without them, seemingly oblivious to what any given individual tried to do to stand out, break free, save themselves or someone else.

_Maybe there really isn't anything I can do. It's pointless being here. I should be looking for something I can do that might make some small difference._

_I should be looking in the real world._

_  
So far away  
Been far away for far too long  
So far away  
Been far away for far too long  
But you know, you know, you know  
_

He glanced up once at the sea of digitized faces that he was drowning in. Not one that he cared about, not one that he could _make_ himself care about. Even in this world, it was…suffocating. He suddenly felt demophobic and he was forced to drop his eyes or suffer a mental breakdown right there in front of everyone.

And as much as he couldn't stand the rest of humankind, he refused to do that for the whole world to see. He wouldn't be seen as weak. By anyone. Whether or not they would see him ever again.

_False sympathy. Lying eyes. None of them know anything. They can't know what I'm feeling. I'm…alone. She's gone and I have no one else._

She seemed so far away from him. He couldn't reach her. He couldn't speak with her. He couldn't… a lot of things.

_It hurts me. It hurts more than I'll ever be able to let anyone know…_

_I'm not weak…_

_I'm not…_

_  
I wanted  
I wanted you to stay  
'Cause I needed  
I need to hear you say…_

He wanted... He wanted a lot of things. He wanted to find the answer to everything. He wanted to be able to take care of everything.

_What do I really want? I want to get stronger. But I only want that to be able to find a way to save you._

Mostly, what he wanted was to have her back. He wanted to be able to hold her, feel her, touch her again. At times, his entire being ached so much for that that he trembled.

He _needed_ to hear her speak again. He needed to hear the words of forgiveness from her own lips.

_Everyone tells me it wasn't my fault, but I could have done something. I could have been there sooner- _should_ have been there sooner. I could have done more than stand there like an idiot and watch her…fade… right in front of me._

_So many "should haves…"_

_  
That "I love you  
I have loved you all along  
And I forgive you  
For being away for far too long"  
So keep breathing  
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore_

_Believe it  
Hold on to me and  
never let me go  
_

_Reality…_ He felt tears sliding down his face and he angrily scrubbed them away with one hand. He took a deep and (surprisingly) shaky breath before he logged out of his pretend world and then moved to sit on his bed.

_Damn… I-I'm not weak… I won't…_

_I won't cry…_

But he couldn't stop it any more than he could stop the sun in the course that God or whoever had decreed for it.

He closed his eyes against it, but it didn't help. He finally threw himself down and buried his face in one of his pillows, shoulders shaking, breathing irregular as he sobbed silently, feeling the fabric up against his face beginning to get damp.

After several long moments, he was able to take a deep (albeit shuddering) breath and he rolled over releasing the pillow, only then realizing that he had been holding onto it so tightly that his arms were hurting. He flung them up over his head and stared that ceiling, attempting to calm himself down enough to think rationally.

_Forgive me…Shino…_

_Please…_

_Keep breathing  
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore_

_Believe it  
Hold on to me and  
never let me go_

He wiped his eyes on the back of his hand and looked over at his computer, but decided against logging in for a third time in favor of sleep that he desperately needed.

_At least my fantasy land is mine…_

Sleep… Dream-haunted.

Dreams of her.

Of Shino.


End file.
